Family · Infertility

The Explosion: Biological Clocks and the Human Heart

First of all, I want to say congratulations to all of my friends who have recently increased their family size by one (or two) mini-person (who takes up so much of your time and energy…Godspeed to you all), as well as those who currently have the metaphorical “bun in the oven”.  Mommies (and mommies to be), you all look so lovely…daddies (and daddies-to-be), I can see the excitement/nervousness washing over you.  I am ecstatic for all of you!

At the same time, it seems that as I read blogs/Facebook posts/emails and go through all of the “cuteness to the millionth degree” photos of ultrasounds, baby showers, newborns, birthdays, etc, that tiny voice inside my head becomes not-so-tiny anymore, screaming, “I WANT ONE TOO!!”  I suppose you could say my biological clock has all but exploded at this point (and being one who likes to know what’s happening, when, and how, having the clock explode with no idea when it’ll happen for me leaves me a bit…difficult to live with…poor InChul and Hudson). 

Please understand, I feel no animosity or even a slight bit of resentment for those who have been so blessed (I celebrate with you all in your happiness!).  I just find it difficult to cope with that maybe, just maybe, it’s not in the cards for me…not now…maybe not ever!  With such thoughts ravaging my psyche right now, it’s hard to hold back tears when I see toddlers running around shrieking with joy, or watch people giving birth in shows like “A Baby Story”.

But in the midst of my human nature of “I WANT IT, AND I WANT IT NOW!”, a simple song was reintroduce into my life (it was one we sang this past weekend at Trinity).

All to Jesus, I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence, daily live

I surrender all, I surrender all
All to Thee, my blessed Savior
I surrender all
Lyrics by J.W. Van Deventer
This is probably the aspect of my walk with Christ that I have the MOST difficulty with – surrendering the things in my life I so desperately want and want to control.  Perhaps God is using this phase in my life…our family…to finally get it through my thick skull that I need to let things go and let Him take care of it.  I need to realize that what I REALLY need to focus my attention on is my walk with Him, building the family that is my husband and myself, and serving those around me.  
Still, no matter how much my head can get itself wrapped around this fact, the sinful heart is always so slow to follow.  It’s something that I feel I will never fully grasp and fully embody – patience and surrender of control.  But my God is a patient God, and He is relentless in His instruction and taming of my sinful heart.  If it were not for His constant presence, I would not be able to deal with myself – I would probably have gone completely insane or killed myself long ago.  But He literally sustains my sanity and life, and I trust Him to eventually save me from my “control freak” self.
So yes…I surrender ALL…I surrender myself and all that I desire to Him…and hopefully, my heart will also begin to relinquish the desires apart from His will so I can simply and wholly be His.

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