Giving Thanks

The Taming of the Obsessive Compulsive

Hudson: Championing R&R

As many of you have come to know, I see myself as a moderately obsessive-compulsive person (I say moderately because I have not yet had the need to see professional help on the matter).  I do have the ability to let things go now (thank you, 3 years of teaching in a public high school), but I nevertheless like to be in control and need to see the fruition of my labor before allowing myself to relax (lest my hyperactive mind yells at me to get my lazy butt up and finish the job).

So I admit to hearing voices in my head.  Perhaps it is time to start seeking professional help.  O.o”

It’s not my need for perfection in the minor day-to-day tasks I do that worries me (in fact, it tends to be helpful in making sure I tie up all loose ends when it comes to both work and home projects).  What does worry me is my need to make my home, family, and life “picture-perfect” (or whatever that means in my head).  There’s a theoretical time-table I’m supposed to stick to in meeting all of the benchmarks of life – marriage, having children, and ultimately being settled into “family life” and becoming the epitome of domestic perfection.  Oh…and of course, “I have to be career-driven too!”  I can’t be “defined by the 1950’s stereotype of what it means to be a woman” (please note, I’m being sarcastic and inane – there is much honor and I have much admiration for all of you moms who choose to stay at home).  I have to be successful both in the working world and the home world in order to complete this “picture-perfect” life.

It’s a sickness…and being this obsessed with “the perfect life” is one of the tell-tale signs of this sickness called “pride”.  Ultimately, my need to control my life boils down to my inability to admit that I am not as awesome as I want to believe I am.  I am not as perfect as I want to believe I am.  In short, I am not God, but I want to be.

…sounds eerily familiar…something about a couple in a garden wanting to be like God…

No matter how much I want to deny it, my need to be in control of my life is a BIG FAT SIN!  No, I’m not saying I’m going to let me life fall into self-imposed anarchy.  What I am saying is that I have no business trying to take over a role in my life that belongs to someone who is far more qualified than I.

11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
~ Jeremiah 29:11-13 (ESV)  
While this is a passage that I have known of for a while now, it wasn’t until I read it for the umpteenth time (how should I know the exact number??) AND heard this sermon by Pastor Marvin Williams (at Trinity Church) that I began to realize just how this idea had very little bearing in my life (which also explains why I have such a hard time “finding” Him and feeling like He’s hearing me).  I knew that His plans are better (in theory, anyway), but I didn’t BELIEVE His plans are better.  And can you blame me?  Sometimes God throws us into situations that look hopeless and not at all like a “better plan” in any shape or form.  So what do I do?  I try to take the reins and map out my life, creating benchmarks and deadlines for myself on when to get what done.  I’ve stressed, planned, stressed, whined, stressed, cried, and stressed some more, falling into depression time and time again as it “just wouldn’t work the way I wanted it to”.

Of course, being the “good Christian” that I am, I went through the motions and said all the right things about how I knew it was “all in God’s timing” and how I “completely trusted Him”.  But in truth, in my sinful heart, I wasn’t trusting Him.  I wanted God to give me what I wanted at the time I wanted in the way I wanted (wow…such a control freak!).  I wasn’t ready to accept the possibility that God, perhaps, may have something else in mind for me during this season of my life.  I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel and give up control over to Him, trusting, no matter how long it takes or how dire it seems, that He had plans “to give me a future and hope”.  

…just a piece of the “throne” that I kept clinging to with every last ounce of my sanity…and losing it!
Coming to this realization was one thing, but being able to act upon it is another.  I’m so good at the “talk” but not always so good with the “walk”.  But I know that things aren’t going to get much better for me if I don’t start picking up my feet and running towards the “better way”…God’s way.  So no longer do I make life-plans (“in the next 5/10/20/etc years…” type of planning) for myself.  Instead, I make plans around how I can learn to call upon the Lord, pray to Him, and seek Him with everything I have.  Planning my life around something I may or may not have anytime in the near future has gotten in the way of living my life according to something I already do have…and it really needs to stop.
And as I posted on my Facebook page…
…perhaps…just perhaps…He has something better in mind…
Clinging to that promise, I will wait upon the Lord…and hopefully, the “Gods Plan > my plan” formula will permeate through my life, my thoughts, my psyche, and my soul more and more…until I truly can let go of my throne and find complete peace in it.
May the Lord continue to grant all of you peace and joy no matter what your circumstances may be.
Lydia     ❤

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