Family · Giving Thanks

"[In Lieu of] Thankful Thursdays": Dreams…

It’s not that I’m not feeling thankful today.  I am…I always am.  But it’s been difficult for me to pinpoint just one thing that I’m thankful for today as I have simply been bombarded by God’s goodness and blessings, lately.  Therefore, as I will try to piece together the jumble of joy in my life right now, I will be taking this post in a slightly different direction.  Hopefully, you will enjoy it as much as you enjoy “Thankful Thursdays” posts.

…too many dreams…too little time…

There will always be things in my life I will feel I never have enough of – money, time, cute apparel to add to my growing wardrobe…

…hmmm…maybe I’ll go shopping this weekend…

Sorry, I digress.

However, one thing that I will never be wanting of (EVER) is the plethora of dreams and hopes that consume my mind and heart on a daily basis.  I’m a confessed Type A, obsessive-compulsive, “need to know what’s coming next” psycho who feels she needs to plan for every waking minute of the day.  This also means that my mind is always about 5,249 steps ahead of real time…daydreams have taken almost permanent residence in my daily thoughts (and we’re talking armies of them partying 24-7…you know…THOSE neighbors upstairs).

Sleepless nights…not an uncommon thing, considering.

Like most people who are a bit psychotic like me (if there are any), these dreams change from time to time as I get on in years (geezer!). Currently, being in the stage of life that I am, my greatest “dream nemesis” for being productive in any way or being able to remember something my husband tells me for more than 10 minutes is my dreams of motherhood.  It hits me every time I see photos of or run across those who barely seem to come up to my waist (if they can stand at all).  As I congratulate my friends on their recent (or soon to come) addition to their families or when I see that bright-eyed, not quite completely steady on their feet mini-persons toddling around (or sleeping in their sleek sports car edition of a stroller…some really slick ones out there these days), my mind begins to wander into the realm of “I wonder what that feels like.”

You know…I wonder how it feels like to carry this other being inside of me, only to expel him/her into the world (in a messy, not so glamorous kind of way) screaming and kicking…how it feels to have this little person sleep within my arms, as I feed them and rock them to sleep for the umpteenth time that night…how it feels to be the one who has been given the task of sustaining the life of this mini-human…how it feels to watch them grow into their God-given personalities and teach them to harness them for good, not evil…

…and how it feels to know that YOU are the only one 
who will  ever bear the title of “mom” in their lives.

Biological clock?  Yep, it’s been blaring its siren for a while now…mercilessly.

I don’t know if I’m the only one who’s waiting for the next stage (probably not, considering how many people I hear and read about struggling with infertility, miscarriages, etc).  I don’t know if others are asking the same “I wonder…” questions like I am.  And I definitely don’t know whether I’ll ever be able to experience the answers to these questions (and not knowing…THAT is probably the toughest part of it).

All I know is that, deep in my heart, someone decided 
to code into my DNA this desperation to know.

I can only assume it’s the One who put me together in the first place.

And the same One who put this desire in my heart is asking me to trust Him with said desires of my heart.

Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. 
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
~ Psalm 37:3-4 (ESV)
Honestly, I don’t WANT to do GOOD.  I want to simply pout and become sullen and depressed because I can’t seen to fix this problem myself.  I don’t want to “delight” myself in anyone who (for all intensive purposes) seems to be keeping my desires from me and NOT giving me a direct reason why.  I want to keep dreaming…keep aching…keep living within my fantasy instead of in the reality that, perhaps, there is something else I am needing to be focusing on right now.  
Luckily, my Lord isn’t going to let me get away with that.  He’s going to continue whittling away at my pride and controlling nature.  He’s going to continue putting responsibilities and people in my path to keep me “dwelling in the land and befriending faithfulness”.  He’s not going to let me live in my little fantasy bubble…He’s going to make me face reality and continue to trust that He knows what He’s doing (and remind me that He doesn’t HAVE to give me a reason right now…it will all reveal itself in the end as what was BEST for me).
It’s definitely a hard lesson to learn – to die to an obsessive-compulsive, 
detail-oriented, Type A person like myself…and trust without reason.
I don’t like having to learn this lesson, but I will accept this discipline as being part of His work in transforming and renewing me to be more of what I am not – faithful, trusting, and more like Christ.  I’m sure I will continue to “test” Him and try His patience (and thank goodness He is who He is…or I would have likely been abandoned as a lost cause long ago)…but in the end, His will WILL be done, and I will know it is good and perfect.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed 
by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern 
what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
~ Romans 12:2 (ESV) 
And for that, I guess I can end this “Thankful Thursday” truly being thankful.  Nice!  It all worked out in the end, didn’t it?  YAY!  
…and then there’s this cutie…
Don’t worry, mama!  I’ll be your baby. 

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