Family · Giving Thanks · Infertility

Musings of a [Not Yet] Mommy | Chapter 1

Monday night was probably the worst I’ve had in a long time.  I thought I had gotten all of my thoughts and emotions in check, letting it all go and letting the chips fall where they may.

“It will happen when it’s meant to happen.”

Those are the words both my husband and I have been clinging, maintaining (at least the facade of) rational thinking and patience that seems to come so naturally to him.  Doesn’t come so naturally to me (hence, the facade).

I’m a naturally impatient person.  (Cue the collective “DUH!” from family and friends.)

But I had been holding on.  If nothing else, I have been able to accept the fact that this part of my life would be placed on hold.  I had convinced myself that I was over it and I could finally be as patient as my other half (sometimes I wonder which of us is the better).

Until Monday night.  Monday night, whatever pretense I had concocted fell apart.  Doubt and depression had crept in and opened the floodgates.  While I managed to keep my eyes dry, my heart and soul could have drowned in the figurative tears they shed.

“Why, God?  Why does it have to be so hard for me?  Why is it not happening for me?”

It’s the cry of a mother’s heart and soul waiting for the child she wants so badly, but not knowing when he or she is to arrive.   And in the meantime, this childless mother is inundated with photos, social media announcements, and the like from friends celebrating their first, second, third, etc. pregnancies.  I am, without a doubt, happy for them and celebrate their joy with them.  But after almost two years of trying and failing, I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy…and a whole lot of grief for what seems to come so easily to everyone else, but not for me.

My heart just broke that night…for the umpteenth time…without any warning.

So what is a girl to do with this extremely fragile heart in the turmoil of wanting to be happy for others but devastated by her own state of affairs?

When it comes to matters of the heart, there is not much I CAN do except trust that God will mend what is broken.  I don’t want to be the type of person who hates others out of jealousy over something neither I nor they have any control over.  A blessing from God is a blessing from God.  Whether it happens to me or someone else, He is worthy of praise.  Therefore, I choose to praise Him…and I choose to love and support others as He has commanded me to do.

Because He is worthy of my worship and obedience…always.

Along with this, my husband and I have made the decision to pursue medical attention over this situation.  I’m not absolutely sure that this is the way to go…whether it’s the path He wants us to take or if it’s because of our lack of faith.  But, from conversations with family and friends over this matter, as well as the many times He has proven faithful in His provision to allow us to seek medical help, we have only received positive encouragement to continue down this path.

So we are taking it.  God willing, it will help.

Rest assured, I won’t bother you with any of the unnecessary, gory details, but we have sought the help of a wonderful fertility specialist.  She has already determined that the issue is with me (not the husband), so there are a slew of experiences and emotions I will be dealing with.

  • I am scheduled for surgery next Tuesday to clear up some stuff in my system that could be hindering my ability to conceive.  As far as I know, I have never had surgery under a general anesthetic before, so it’s definitely uncharted waters for me.
  • During surgery, they also check to see if my tubes are blocked.  If they are, we will need to look to IVF (in vitro fertilization) in order to conceive.  We are hoping this is not the case, as that can run into a good amount of money.
  • There is no guarantee that all of these procedures will lead to conception, and my heart will need to be prepared for the possibility that, perhaps, having a biological child is not in God’s plan for us.

So, family and friends, just as I commit to giving thanks and rejoicing over the wonderful blessings you are experiencing (or praying for you because, like me, you are still waiting for this particular blessing), would you please keep us in your prayers as we embark upon this journey into (hopefully) parenthood?  After all, like all other life stories and lessons, this one begins and ends with Him…and He is in control of the entire process.

And, no matter what happens, to God be all glory, honor and praise. 


…in the meantime, I have this critter to be mother to…

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