Family · Giving Thanks · Infertility · Worship

Musings of a [Not Yet] Mommy | Chapter 4

This is a post that I wrote exactly 8 months ago.  As I find myself waiting to no longer be a “not yet mommy,” I always come back to this reminder that my satisfaction needs to be in the “Only One” who continues to pour life and joy into my soul.

And today, I really need that…and the hope that comes 
with the promise that He will do great things.

So enjoy this reprise (which apparently is pronounced “re-PREEZ”…not “re-PRIZE” like I always thought) of my “Only One” post.  I hope it reminds you that as long as we have Him, we will always have hope.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
…as the darkness settles in…
“Well…that answers that question.”  With those five words spoken to myself on Sunday night, whatever uncertainty and lingering hope that remained collided with reality.  It was not meant to be – the possibility that perhaps this time the stars had aligned and we would find ourselves making our first steps into the next stage of our lives.  But, once again, that door had been shut in my face and the waiting game would have to begin again.

And with that sudden burst of clarity 
That thwarted the dreams of a new tomorrow…
…a little more of my hope…
…another piece of my heart…
…died.

I step out into the world the days after with a smile plastered on my face, and laughter emanating from my chest.  It’s a strange feeling – reason and intellect having detached my being from the dark clouds of sadness and looming depression that churns inside.

Celebrating life on the outside…
…mourning the death of a dream on the inside…
…and never the twain would meet…
.
..until the moment the noise of life that surrounds me fades into the darkness of night, and I am left alone to the thoughts of my heart.  No tears are shed.  The allotment of tears for this particular heartache has long been met (and exceeded).  But the mind and body turns numb…almost as if they could sense the death of yet another sliver of the heart and soul.  Emptied…utterly emptied…and devoid of feeling.
All that is left is a shell of the person I used to be.
Those who know have tried so hard to bring life back into this shell of a person.  There is a husband who is especially thoughtful, sensitive, and loving in such times as this.  There are sisters and brothers who are thoroughly concerned for my well-being.  There are friends who I know see the pain in my eyes and do their best to lift my spirits whenever they see me.  I am eternally grateful, for these are the ones who keep me from bringing any further harm to my soul and psyche.  
But earthly love, concern, and laughter can only go so far.  
They can’t bring the dead to life.
There is only One who can bring the dead to life.
The things of earth will always lead to the same result – death.  It is only by seeking the One beyond this world that we can find hope to overcome death and find…
…life everlasting…
…love unfailing…
…joy unending…
…peace surpassing all understanding.
In the weeks and months to come, there may be a time when the dream will be realized and life will spring forth from one who’s hope is all but dead and buried.  Or it may be that the life I so desire comes in a form I had not even thought to hope for…but becomes a blessing ten-fold of what I had dreamed.  
But today, this truth may not fully heal a dying, mourning heart.  Today, the Author of Life may choose to only fill this vessel just enough to get by, through the love and comfort of those He has placed in my immediate sphere of influence.  Today, I may not find the joy and peace I seek in the midst of hope crushed.
But I know that tomorrow
(or in the weeks, months, or even YEARS to come)
hope will be made new because I believe in the One 
who can bring the dead back to life.

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