Family · Giving Thanks · Infertility · Worship

Musings of a [Not Yet] Mommy | Chapter 5

It’s been a while since I’ve written one of these “wanna-be-mommy-musings” posts. I’m sure a lot of you are wondering whether the silence actually meant that I was simply biding my time before I felt I could safely share that *GASP* we have a “bun in the oven” (apparently 12 weeks is the week of demarcation for such announcements).

For the record, this is NOT the case. I am still without child.
(Not for the lack of trying, though.)

I was totally fine with the waiting game until this week. I had come to terms. I was living my life and feeling good about it (well, as good as I can considering the stress levels at work recently). But within the past four weeks, there has been a fresh wave/onslaught of baby announcements by friends/acquaintances on my Facebook feed. The first few were okay…I did not even feel a twinge of jealousy or envy. I was extremely happy for them and could genuinely shriek and carry on in ecstasy over the good news.

Then came the fifth one…then the tenth one…
…and they continue to sporadically pop up in my feed.
It’s as if the Enemy is bound and determined to use this aspect of my life to silence my heart of worship. And, if I am to be completely honest, he’s doing a pretty fine job of wearing me down.  The selfish, sinful side of me is starting to rear its ugly head, starting to formulate the thoughts to accompany the stabbing pain in my gut every time he whispers in my ear…
“It isn’t fair, is it? God’s SUPPOSED to give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4).  If He really is as ‘loving’ as you believe Him to be, why would he be putting you through this torture?”
Yes, Satan has a way of manipulating God’s own 
words to make a stronger case for himself.

So what is this defenseless, sinful woman to do when the Enemy comes knocking with his own arsenal of misinterpreted biblical bullets?  She takes the example set by Jesus (Matthew 4) and arms herself with the Word of God…in its contextual form…
Trust in the Lord, and do good;
    dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord,

    and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
    and your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
    fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
    over the man who carries out evil devices!
~ Psalms 37:3-7 ESV
Now, I’m no seminarian or learned in the ways of doctrine and theology.  But when I take the statement of “He will give you the desires of your heart” in its full context, it seems that’s only part of the truth.  God’s word states that I am to trust in the Lord and do good, being faithful in my obedience and worship of Him (Psalms 37:3).  I’m to delight myself in Him first (Psalms 37:4), committing my ways…goals…dreams…to the Lord, trusting Him to act in His wisdom (Psalms 37:5).  He’s more concerned with my “righteousness” and heart for “justice” (Psalms 37:6), as I am called to “wait patiently for Him” (Psalms 37:7).  
You got that, Satan??  My own desires are not the focus here!
My God’s working all things for my good, and my job is to delight in Him and trust Him to do what is best for me…and my family.  The Enemy can whisper in my ear about how unfair it is how almost everyone else I know is getting pregnant so easily (or what he would like me to perceive as “easily”).  But my focus will be on committing my ways to the Lord and trusting in Him to act according to His purposes and will.  His plans for those He loves involved much more than just “having a baby”.  His desire is to use whatever means necessary to bring out the very best in us – righteousness…light…justice…love.  For some, it means having many children, “popping them out” one right after the other.  But for some (like me), it means asking us to trust and wait on His timing and way to fulfill that desire in our hearts.
Isn’t that just awesome?
There will be moments where Satan will continue to wear down my patience and my undying faith in God.  But when I cry out to Him to save me from my sinful tendencies, and the Spirit leads me back to the truth of His Word, I know I am safe from becoming that cynical, angry woman who is nothing more than a bundle of envy and hate.  I can be the person God desires me to be – a reflection of His grace, patience, and – above all – LOVE!
This may be an oversimplified understanding of Psalms 37:3-7, and I’m sure there are many of my friends who are more learned in the Scriptures than I (feel free to enlighten me if my understanding is incorrect).  But even in this simple understanding of this piece of God’s Word, I am able to find peace in the midst of sadness and pain.
And that, my friends, is just how powerful the Word of God can be.
May the “peace of God, which surpasses all understanding” (at whatever level it may be), “guard [all of our] hearts and [our] minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7).  Because in Christ Jesus, we find freedom from becoming our sinful selves in order to become more like Him.

Amen.  Let it be, Lord.

…finding peace by trusting in the Lord in all things…

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