Family · Infertility

Musings of a [Not Yet] Mommy | Chapter 6

…feeling frozen in time…

I had one of those moments.  

You know…THOSE moments…when you start “having it out” with the Creator in your head.
[Complete with all the internal hysterics that comes 
with having a tantrum before your Heavenly Father.]
I never said it was a proud moment. It was what it was.

It would be unfair to myself and to all the other “[Note Yet] Mommies” out there to pretend that there isn’t a part of me who finds this whole “not yet” situation less than palatable. Yes, I find comfort in knowing God has everything planned for my good (Romans 8:28), and that He is out to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).  I can spout off these Bible verses like the good little Sunday School graduate I am.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments of weakness.

Moments…when my impatience and need to have control over my own life overshadows the promises of God.  And it is in these darker moments where my emotions run rampant, and I “have it out” with Him.

“Why must I wait so long?  Everyone else has kids…multiple ones even!  Why not me?”
[I didn’t say my complaints were rational…I know “everyone else” is very much exaggerated.]
I’ve even come to the point where I’m making threats like, “If I don’t have my first child by the age of 35, I don’t think I want to have kids at all!”

Giving God an ultimatum…what a riot!
Why do I share this?  Because like many of you who are also still going through this waiting game for that “bundle of joy” to make its presence in your lives, I am not without my moments where my humanness gets the better of me.  No matter how many revelations God may give me to give me that blessed peace of trusting Him in my life, my sinfulness still rears its ugly head as the Enemy parades the very thing I want so badly in front of me.
“Aww…look at all the cute little babies/kids!  It’s so unfair YOU don’t have one.”
[That conniving sneak…always finds a way to get to me.]
I will never pretend that I am some “holier than thou” individual who remains unfazed being faced with all these beautiful little ones in the world (and those who are on their way).  I am very much “fazed” as the next woman still waiting for her own.  
But what I do know is that the God I place my trust in is greater than my own shortcomings – impatience, controlling, and all.  If I allow Him to, He will settle my heart, mind, and soul into that blessed peace once again, where I am able to find joy in discovering again that He is more than enough for me.
It may not be today.  It may not even be tomorrow.  
But I know He is waiting for me to turn to Him…
…tears, tantrums, and all…
…and lay my fears, doubts, and sorrows at His feet.
And will in turn give me continuing faith and peace 
in knowing He knows what He’s doing.
[Easier said than done, no?  Lord, give me strength!]

4 thoughts on “Musings of a [Not Yet] Mommy | Chapter 6

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