Family · Infertility

Musings of a [Not Yet] Mommy | Chapter 7

…look closely…there be babies there…

By the time you read this post, I will have taken the final blood test of a month-long process of medication, shots, ultrasounds, procedures, and blood tests.  I may not know the answer to the question that hangs in the air yet, or maybe I will (depending what time of the day you read my posts).  At that point I will know whether the wait will continue or not.

The month of March marks our first attempt at IUI.  Basically, via medication (Femara and Ovidrel), ultrasound screening, and the actual IUI procedure, we are trying to bypass some of the physiological hurdles that make pregnancy so difficult.  It’s been a relatively painless process, physically speaking.  I’ve had minimal side effects from the medications and have had a relatively uneventful experience.

Mentally and emotionally, however, I’ve been a wreck.

After putting so much time, effort, and finances into the process, of course I’m left asking the question, “Was it worth it, and will it work?”  But more so than that, my fear stems from how my heart will handle the possibility that it just didn’t work this time.

I’ve done my best to prepare for that outcome.
I’ve tried to guard my heart by not getting my hopes up.
But still…I don’t know if I will be able to hold it all together.

Of course the easy answer is “it will happen when it is meant to happen.”  I tell that to myself all the time.  But the fact we actually went through a medical procedure in order to overcome the unknown issues, it’s especially difficult knowing we actually TRIED this time.  I mean…we’ve tried before…but we haven’t put this much time, effort, and resources into the process before.  How will I be able to handle the fact that, perhaps, even this medical procedure may not be enough to help us towards becoming parents…that we may need to try even more invasive, costlier procedures (which may or may not work either)?

I know I’m being overly pessimistic about this.  After all, there is still the chance that it may indeed have worked.  But being the emotional crazy person I am, I’m always thinking about the worst case scenario…and internally weeping over it.

Or maybe it’s just the hormones making me crazy.  Who knows.

While I share with you my emotions going into this final test, I will likely not share with everyone the results.  Down the road…months later…when either we move onto the next stage in fertility treatments or end up actually becoming parents-to-be, I will share more.  But for now, I just wanted to share the emotional trials of this phase in our journey.  Perhaps there are some out there going through the same process, feeling the same things as myself.  If you are out there, just know that there are others who are having just as much trouble, needing to work through the painful mental and emotional traumas of having hopes dashed months after month.

And just as so many have been praying for me, I am praying for you as well.

Godspeed to all you other “Not-Yet Mommies.” 
Until the next leg of this crazy trip, keep fighting, keep believing, and keep praying.

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