Family · Parenthood

Musings of a Mommy | Chapter 19

I’m finding it harder to blog on a regular basis. For all you moms out there who have been through the newborn/infant stages of motherhood, I’m sure you understand what I mean. It’s difficult to find a time during the day to myself to sit down and simply think and write. Between work, a baby who wants CONSTANT attention, and simply trying to maintain a functional household is something I have not yet been able to get a complete handle on. Could also be because we have had family coming and going (which we are OH SO GRATEFUL FOR!! Truly!), so any form of normalcy and routine has been hard to maintain. Hopefully, once it’s just the three of us, and we get the baby in daycare, we’ll be able to create our new “normal.”

For a little while, anyway…until the in-laws officially move in.
(But that’s a whole other post for a whole other day.)

…the one our lives are now completely wrapped around…

It’s an altogether new experience, this motherhood business. While the physical demands of this job are tiring – mind, body, and soul – the taxing schedule of feeding, burping, changing diapers, and soothing, all while trying to keep our home in a reasonably sanitary state in the limited time I have (now that work has begun) is something I have been able to get used to. I can deal with all that.

It’s the emotional, internal changes I was unprepared for.

Even before my first bundle of joy came into my life, I was a pretty softhearted person. The plight of children suffering through hunger, cold, etc. would pull at my heartstrings. I would try to think of a million and one ways I could help in solving the problems. Even a few tears were shed. But once I had one of my own, these tugging heartstrings became all out heart and soul crushing. Even the mention of a child being hurt/killed or crying from hunger rips my heart to shreds.

And the reason is this…

The progression of an inevitable meltdown

Every time I hear a story about suffering babies and children, I think of him…and the fact that, except for the grace of God, that child could be mine. Of course, I could never dream of purposefully hurting my child in any way. But there are too many forces in this world outside of my control that could easily rip this piece of joy in my life from me. Plus, the baby/child who has faced pain and, at times, even death is one just like mine…who is altogether helpless, and in need of a loving independent being to depend upon. Unfortunately, the very people they look to for their very survival shuns them…or even hurts them…for altogether selfish and/or evil purposes. And the very existence of that fact just tears my heart to shreds. Even typing the words now brings tears to my eyes and an aching pain in my heart.

My heart has grown too soft for such a terribly broken world.

When I read the stories…or hear the news…or see the photos…all I can do is weep for the little ones who must suffer such cruel fates while holding my own a little tighter. I whisper in his ear that I love him…that I will do everything in my power to keep him from such things. But I know that even I, in all my good intentions and love, am limited. And it scares me.

So I pray. I pray to the only One who has dominion over all things. I plead with Him to keep my child safe from the dangers of this world. I beg for this helpless little babe, that He would be the first and foremost Protector, so that no amount of evil could harm him…even if that evil be me.

But I ask for the grace and power that the evil would not be me.
Who knew that one so small could make me feel so much love, joy, and pain at the same time. It’s something I didn’t ask for…and something I’m not sure I can handle at times. But if it be His will, may He give me all that I need to bear these burdens of motherhood, and continue to love this little one in a way that will glorify Him.
Amen. Let it be, Lord.

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