Family · Parenthood

Musings of a Mommy | Chapter 20

Have you ever wondered how one so little can make you feel like an utter failure sometimes? Case in point – I introduce to you the source of my current “lessons in humility (and futility).”

So tiny…so helpless…so needy…

This little guy has been my personal trainer in all things related to character honing and humility strengthening. It’s been quite a workout with many nights I wondered whether I truly am doing a good job or I’m one of THOSE moms who can’t get their act together and is untrustworthy to have a tiny being dependent on her. I’ve been reduced to a puddle of “I am SCUM!” time and time again, thanks to him.

So when a friend asked me the following question…

“So…do you love being a mom?”

I had to hesitate a moment…to really consider that question.

Now, if you have been following this blog for any amount of time, you are probably pretty shocked to read that I hesitated in answering that question…and be completely floored by my answer to the question.

No…I don’t love being a mom.

Save your time and energies with your comments of disdain, telling me how selfish and unworthy I am to be a mom. You’re right…I’m completely selfish. I hate stepping out of my comfort zone and doing things that I would rather avoid. I give very little effort towards such things. I don’t deserve such an honor of being called “mom.” I was stupid to have gone through such an arduous process of conception (complete with tears and heartache) and suffered through the pregnancy with such anticipation, only to regret I am the very thing I wanted to become.

But to lie about it wouldn’t benefit anyone. And (hopefully) to speak the truth would validate the feelings of so many other mommies out there who feel so alone because they feel the same as I do about motherhood.

I don’t love the sleeplessness. I don’t love the early mornings. I don’t love the poopy/wet diapers. I don’t love getting every bug he picks up because I’m the one who is usually closest to him. I don’t love having my schedule dictated by his feeding schedule (which is still “on demand” at 16 weeks). I don’t love the inability to enjoy time alone with my hubby. I don’t love being unable to keep my home orderly and stay on top of the laundry. I don’t love feeling inadequate. I don’t love feeling like a failure again and again. I don’t love being a mom…because of the things I have to deal with while being a mom.

But of course, while I do not love being a mom, I do love him.

Not always so happy-go-lucky…

It’s the oddest feeling. No matter what he does…smile, frown, giggle, cry, hug, punch, grasp my finger, scratch my arm…I’m completely enamored by this little creature. I melt with every smile, my heart breaks at every cry, and I laugh at each and every silly thing he does.

I never imagined I had so much love to give this little man. 
But the love never seems to stop overflowing.

So when I responded with “No, I don’t like being a mom,” I was easily able to add…

“But I love being HIS mom.”

I’m sure if he had been a different baby, as long as he was mine, I would be able to love him. But I also know that God created him to be exactly the way he is knowing He was giving me a baby that I would love so much I would CHOOSE to put aside my own selfish desires to be a mom. It’s just another round of honing and sanding down the rough edges of my heart, soul, and personality. He just  happened to make this particular sandpaper a bit more coarse, but a LOT more lovable. Drooly…but lovable.

It reminds me of a passage in Isaiah…

A voice cries:
“In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord;
make straight in the desert a highway for our God.
Every valley shall be lifted up,
and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,
and the rough places a plain.
And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed,
and all flesh shall see it together,
for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

~ Isaiah 40:3-5
Sometimes, God calls us to go through the wilderness of facing the sin in our lives (my selfishness). In my case, He has given me this precious gift in order to show me just how inadequate I am…how much I need His guidance and power to overcome the valleys and mountains I will face. He has been using the very thing I had hoped and prayed for…
…to level the rough places of my heart and soul…all so that He can reveal His glory and majesty through me. He pushes me through the deserts of life in order to show how He provides a wellspring of refreshment and a whole lot of joy. And love. Especially love. He gives me to this burden of stress, work, and fatigue along with the EXACT blend of cuteness and lovability I need so that the joy and love will supersede the selfishness…allowing Him to change my very being into someone who will speak and act for His honor and His honor ALONE!
I can only hope that as the process goes on, others around me will see the amazing work God is doing in my life, proclaiming and speaking His amazing love through me.
Especially this one…
How can you NOT love being “mom” to this guy??
I REALLY hope this one will see just how incredible 
my God is…and make Him his own as well.

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