Family · Parenthood

[Musings of a Mommy] Mirror, Mirror…

So recently, my son and I have developed a little routine that we pretty much go through at least a dozen times every day. Basically, it goes a little like this…

Me: “It’s time to [something he does not want to do at that exact moment].”

Son: “No [the thing he does not want to do at that exact moment]!” Face melts into the perfect “life is ending as we know it” cry face. Many tears are shed, as he repeats his plea over and over again.

Doesn’t matter what it is. Doesn’t matter if he ends up doing that “thing” (sleep, getting washed/dressed/into his car seat to head to daycare/church/restaurant/anywhere, etc.) and loving it. All that matters is that I asked him to do something that is not what he wants to do at that exact moment.

Man…the kid is quite the little actor, let me tell you.
His performance could win Oscars/Emmys/SAG Awards!

While there are times I lose patience with this little back-and-forth dialogue that we perform multiple times throughout the day, more often I find myself smiling to myself because I realize this truth:

…he is totally a reflection of ME!

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…it’s like looking in a mirror…

He’s not completely ME, as he does have some of the personality quirks of his dad. But this demonstration of his Oscar/Emmy nominee worthy bout of drama…he definitely got from his mama. #dramaqueensFTW

A Memorial of Who I Was

Now, when I say he’s a reflection of ME, I should clarify and say that he is a reflection of who I WAS! Passed down from my own mother, the self-inflicted mental and emotional drama is a strong force in my family lineage. While there are some good aspects of this that I have held onto (mainly the ability to truly empathize and FEEL the pain others go through), it has been more often than not debilitating.

I can’t see past the drama. It became my whole existence.
Any semblance of reality and practicality went out the window.
I suffered. Those around me suffered. It was not a pretty sight.

Above all else, the drama left me feeling isolated and lonely. I mean, seriously, who would WANT to be around a person like this? It was much easier (and much more pleasant) for other to simply walk away and not deal with me. I totally understand why they did…but it definitely hurt me in the deepest parts of my heart and soul.

A Reminder of How Far I’ve Come

But today, I do not count this as part of my current identity, but something I am continuing to overcome…by the grace of God. Through the advancement in years and increasing time spent seeking after His will for my life, He has taken the time smooth over the rough patches in my character and personality.

I’ve still got a long ways to go, but I am continually driven to seek Him and find how His Presence in my life is truly good and transforming. And with each passing day of taking Him up on his Jeremiah 29:13 promise, the minor dramas of this world slowly fade into the recesses of “doesn’t really matter.”

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Proof of God’s Work in Me

And now, I see my son (aka #DramaKingTheNextGeneration) and his drama-filled meltdowns. While in moments of exasperation I wonder why my son acts the way he does, I know in my heart that God specifically created him for me. First, my son is a reminder of where I have been and how much He has changed me. Second, God is using my son to further break down my pride and stubbornness to be coming much more malleable to His will.

He is putting me through His refining
fires again so that in the midst
of the flames I would continue
to seek Him with all my heart!

So, I smile and give a little sigh. I can see the years of these mini (and sometimes not-so-mini) meltdowns stretched out before now, with no true end in sight. But despite being blind to when things will be better, I trust there IS an end. After all, God has already changed one person so similar to this one (ME!).

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He marches to the beat of his own drum.

 

I also find peace in knowing the bulk of the work is out of our hands, because only God can changed the heart (praise Him for that!). Our job is to guide our son to a place where he can meet, experience, and be changed by his Heavenly Father. God does all of the truly heavy lifting for us.

So just you wait, my mini-me!
God has so much in store for you.

And I know you will find joy and purpose
you will never fully
 understand…in HIM!!

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