COVID-19 · Family

[COVID-19 Diaries] Today…I’m Struggling…

Today, I’m struggling.

It has been three weeks since our family went into sheltering in place and social distancing/isolating in this COVID-19 season. With each day that passed by, we began to settle deeper into the new, temporary normal we were thrown into suddenly and without warning.

It’s surprising what humans are capable of in times of crisis.

Photo Mar 20, 7 04 49 PM
“Where flowers bloom, so does hope.”
~ Lady Bird Johnson

But as we close out week 3 of quarantine, I find myself numb, exhausted, and trying to cling to the shards of motivation to carry on and not shrink into a den of darkness that would drive me into the depths of despair and depression.

2020 was supposed to be my year of ADVENTURE.  It started with abounding hope that there was something in store for me that I had never experienced before and would change my perspective on life in general.

Photo Mar 20, 7 12 32 PM
Where did the adventure go?

I had grand hopes…experiences I was looking forward to…milestone celebrations to have…

  • Tickets to the 2020 NCAA March Madness Final Four games (which would have been taking place this weekend)
  • My 40th birthday trip to Europe (Greece) that was to take the place of the 10 year wedding anniversary Europe trip we couldn’t take last year
  • My son’s rec league soccer Spring season
  • Our family trip to Legoland in Orlando, Florida
  • Watching my son finish out his year of Pre Kindergarten with teachers who love him and are loved by him

…and so many other things we would have liked to enjoy as a family that is no longer accessible to us.

I know why we chose to shelter-in-place/stay-at-home/self isolate/socially distance ourselves. I do not regret the decision at all. It is the part we choose to play in this unfolding story that is the COVID-19 pandemic. Were I to have been presented with the choice all over again, I would still choose this path.

It is for the greater good. It is for humanity. It is for us.

But that doesn’t mean I do not grieve of the adventures lost in making that choice. And today, the grief is overwhelming me.

My reason for sharing my struggle today is not to complain or to whine, but to touch the hearts of others who are also grieving, but feel guilt or shame for doing so. There should be no guilt or shame. There are definite losses we all bear that our hearts need to grieve during this time. And to ask us to swallow the grief and pretend we do not feel it because it makes others feel awkward or bad is to rob us of our very humanity.

We are human. We were created to feel. Even grief.

I am not ashamed of the turmoil of feelings that bubble and boil inside of me. But I also know that as a member of the human race, as I walk through and process the grief, I also need to adapt to the new normal presented to us. I must remember that while I am drowning in sorrow, that there are others who are also floundering in the stormy seas with me. I remember those who are fighting this unseen enemy on our behalf, and choose to do my best to support them and encourage them.

This is our new reality, and there is no escaping it. 

Photo Apr 03, 1 48 54 PM
Social Distancing at Costco

Still, we must recognize that the grief we are feeling is real. It is valid. And in the midst of the struggle, I hope that there are people to whom we can reach out to (thanks to the magic of technology that can connect us in places the virus cannot go) that will walk with us when we have days like I am having today.

Because today, I am struggling. And I’m sure many of you are too.

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